Beating depression

For those of you that don’t know it: depression can control the decisions you make and the way you feel about about them. Everyday you just want to die and this is something that could happen to anyone with depression. You’ll end up in fits of tears and people wonder why. When it was me i couldn’t tell anybody about it. They would have laughed at me. Now it’s ok to discuss it.
Although you will never be free from depression there are ways you can fight it. Always keep yourself active. Get yourself a dog. There’s no better way of staying active. A friend of mine has a dog and it has done him the world of good.

He’d be lost without it. Get yourself a hobby if getting a dog isn’t your thing. I’d recommend long distance running or cycling. Depression takes a lot of effort to overcome. Being alone is not a good idea and should be avoided at all costs unless you want to read at length. For seven solid months i read everything i could get. Whatever you choose to do, keep your mind active.

whenever i was inactive the depression came back. I found myself crying uncontrollably. There are medications but they only go so far. The best thing is to keep your mind active. Always do that. Says a man talking from experience.

A disaster waiting to happen

I’ve always had mental depression but i wonder how i’d do if i didn’t have it. Leading a normal life is something i always wanted. My dad was no use. He didn’t understand that i needed help. Either that or he didn’t care. From an early age i knew that i had something i couldn’t cure. I just didn’t realise how bad it was. Back in the seventies, when i grew up, it was a sign of weakness if you let it get the better of you so you didn’t talk about it.

I tried but nothing seemed to work. I was heading in one direction. Nothing helped me. As if anything could. Now, i’m disabled and can’t walk. I cry because i’m stuck and can’t do anything. Life is cruel. If only i could do something to end it all, i would.
I had a family and thought it would solve the problem but it only made it worse. My son became a thug during his teenage years. My dad stopped talking to him and even now tries to avoid anything to do with Jon. I had a torrid time of it. I couldn’t cope and wished i could deal with everything that was going on around me.

My life has become something that i hide from. It hasn’t been successful but it could have been. I made many mistakes but ultimately it was always a disaster and i take full responsibility for it.

Lessons in life

It’s about time a book was published that told you what to do when you reached the age of eighteen. I’m surprised it hasn’t been done already. It should tell you all about getting a mortgage because if you rely on your parents to tell you you can think again. The book should tell you about things you will encounter in life. Being forewarned is a good idea. Too often we make mistakes that can be avoided by being told what to expect and how we should deal with them. If you suffer from mental anxiety and depression this is particularly useful. It always helps if you have someone guide you through the process.

i suffer from anxiety and it helps having somebody make the decisions for you. As far as depression is concerned they have made major inroads to the illness but i feel there is still a long way to go. Asking somebody who crys and doesn’t know why is hardly going to want to talk about it. Getting someone to save his money rather than spend it on things he doesn’t need seems like a good idea to me.
Having a good start in life is something we all want. Going about it the right way is a valuable notion to have in life.

Blood clot

My friend’s young son died of a blood clot and my immediate reaction was one of shock and anger that it had happened. I felt sorry for my friend. Nobody deserves that. I can imagine how my friend (and his wife) must have felt.
Gavin says everything happens for a reason. I don’t know if i agree with that but there must be something to it. My own case of having a stroke happened to me and i didn’t even see it coming. It was quite sudden. Up until i was in my thirties i had ignored what the opposite sex had to offer. I was determined to remain single. If i had a blood clot back then i wouldn’t have cared. My depression would have ended with me.

Number nine

They could have told me : “you’re going to be laid up for a while” and i would have said “ok”. I knew i would walk again when i got better (whenever that was). It would be a simple illness and then i would be okay. But to have something like walking completely taken away from me is just too much to ask. I would never see my friends again, and then i would curl up and die. There has to be more to life than this. There has to be. I’m not afraid of dying and i don’t think anybody else should be.

if you are, then maybe you should come and and live the life that i do. The last five and a half years have been painful. And on a daily basis. Having a loved one go through this torture is something i would dread. Let me have it, instead. I wonder if each day will be the last that i spend on earth. I’m lucky to be alive. Ha, such luck! If only they knew and were made to live my life, then maybe they wouldn’t make such crass comments.

Lady Luck.

Jenny wants to know what my motivation is. I don’t need any.
. What i need is a fucking miracle and it isn’t going to happen anytime soon. As much as i’d like things to be different they aren’t going to be. For some people the fact that they write everyday for a year is all the motivation they need and if it keeps them happy to do so then so be it.

i suffer from a stroke. It’s a severe one. My ability to walk has gone and so has my speech. I’m really messed up and there’s nothing i can do about it. I wish there was. I think of myself as Britain’s unluckiest man alive. I ordered a speech machine only to have payment for it blocked by my bank. I could pay for it. Instead my ipad had the updates section removed. Even though it wasn’t my fault i was made to suffer and suffer i did. It was a terrible experience for me. I will never live it down. My bank took it upon themselves to decide what was best for me. They stopped me from spending my own money. That’s so wrong.

The bank know i have a speech problem. Nevertheless they denied me buying a speech maker. How does that work? Morons! The last thing i need are more control freaks in my life - i have plenty of them as it is. Now i find that i have to take a course of anti-biotics. Would you Adam and Eve it? My whole life has been beset by bad luck.

The blood test

This morning i had to go for a blood test at the health centre. It meant i had to have another injection. I didn’t even feel the pain as i had the prick. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but i’m not in the mood for joking about. There’s a lot you can tell from a blood sample and i’m at the age when you worry about what it can show. In my twenties i never used to bother like i do now. I suppose it’s down to age that i feel different about living.

i really wish i’d done things differently when i was younger. I wish someone could have advised me and shown me the route i should have taken. My grandad used to say “everything in moderation” and he was right. If only i had listened to him instead of being headstrong and thinking that everything i knew was right. Looking back, everything i knew turned out to be wrong. I suppose we all make mistakes. I’m just glad that mine weren’t such big ones. They could have been though.

The path i took was a very precarious one. It felt as though i’d jumped out of an aeroplane without a parachute on. If only i had a plan of action. Life was just one tragedy after another. I blame it all on depression. If only i had someone who would tell me where i was going wrong. I needed help but i never got it. My dad watched as i failed and failed. Not once did he tell me where i was going wrong. I needed him then. Helping your son is what it’s all about. At least it should be.

Living is for those who don’t make mistakes

Life is not for me. I’ve learnt the hard way and now l glve in. I have faced somethlng i can’t handle. I tried and i failed. I’m sorry to anyone who thought i could.

For crying out loud...

Only when you have to repeat yourself till you’re understood do you recognise the situation you’re in. It’s hopeless. And then, to top it all, you get denied a blueberry yoghurt in case you choke on it. You feel like crying. When will this nightmare end? I take my responsibilies seriously though. I have to if Mandy and Jon qre to survive. If it wasn’t for them i’d give in.

if this was a game of chess it’d be checkmate. The girl opposite you has a smug smile of satisfaction. All i inow is that if i can’t eat the food iwant then why can’t i go back to the way things used to be when i was at Leamington Spa hospital?

Home is where the heart is....

When i first arrived at CERU i was fed by wire. When i left i was actually eating. These days i wish i was drip fed again because having to eat the same food day after day isn’t much fun. The hospital at Leamington Spa became my home from home for the whole nine whole months that i was there for. That’s a long time. The day i left there is a day i felt unbelievably sad. The nurses were my family. They were all i’d known for nine months of my life. I had visits from my real family, but the nurses were my adopted family.

Returning to Hinckley was a real culture shock for me. It was a real dump of a place to live. Why on earth did we live here? I began to question my ability as a parent. When we were last here i could walk and talk. People began to look and stare at me. Hinckley had changed so much in the nine months that i had been away. Coming from a place where everybody understood what you said to a place where nobody did, made you question your very existance.

Not being able to talk

The BBC are showing a video of someone who suffers from a locked in syndrome. It tells the story of a man who got the syndrome when he was just 12 years old. He is now married and has a baby on the way. I don’t know how that happened. Neither does he. It’s a strange story of someone who found the ability to communicate. His parents didn’t know he was in there, so it was amazing fot them that he was.

He has written a book about his life as a disabled person but i’m in no mad rush to read it. I’ve experienced enough of life to last me a forever. It’s definitely an uphill struggle. There’s no doubt about that. My story is one of being unable to walk. It’s a struggle to learn to get used to it. How do you cope with it? A big part of your life is taken away from you when you lose your legs. I used to think i could walk but soon found i couldn’t when i jumped out of my wheelchair and found that i was unable to.

Raising my good arm so that i can drink is also a problem. I don’t know why but i can’t raise it in the aternoon. I lose all the strength to do it so i have to drink as much as i can in the morning to make up for it. I just drink water. That’s all i drink. Caffeine keeps me awake at night so i don’t drink it through choice.
i understand what this man is going through, but i see people who are having a much harder time of it.

They can’t choose anything not even what they’d like to do let alone have sex with a woman and bring a new life into the world.