I remember the day,in 2014, that Robin Williams took his own life. I’ve struggled to live with how he felt on that day, for many years. You can’t explain it to anyone because they wouldn’t understand it.
You just feel like the most useless person in the world. You can’t make decisions or do anything.
i was 14 and alone in the house when it first happened to me. I didn’t know what was happening but i sank to my knees and started crying. Afterwards, i just ‘pulled myself together’ and walked to the library in town. I didn’t know what depression was. It has taken over my life since then and i don’t think i’ll ever get rid of it.
From then till now it’s been an incredible journey. Sometimes i feel as though i am part of an experiment. That can’t be true. Being disabled was never part of the plan. I should have killed myself when i was 10. It would have saved everything that was to follow. I thought about it. That’s all it was. Thought. I never had the strength to act on my convictions. I just needed the push to be able to do it. Robin Williams had the push. Depression made me a wimp, it took everything away from me.
Long distance running became my salvation. I wanted to be like Forrest Gump. it made the voices in my head go away for a little while.
Growing up was hard. I kept everything a secret. My depression was bottled up and that wasn’t the best thing to do. i needed support from someone who had been there before me. Someone who knew what i was going through. But no-one was around to guide me. I often look back on those days and wonder how i ever managed to survive. The pressure on me was unbelievable. I fully understood how and why Robin Williams did what he did. I’ll never stop feeling that way and i know it’ll take very little effort to have me wanting to end it all. Some people can’t understand that logic. Logic doesn’t come into it at all. I’m not the only one to feel that way although you may think that i am. I thought i was the only one too.
I could take my life at any moment. I’ve always felt like that. I never made any plans because i didn’t think it was necessary. I would be okay in the morning and feel completely different about things by the afternoon. That’s how it was. I had no reason to question it. I never thought about my future. As far as i was concerned i didn’t have one. I’ve always felt like that and i always will. Mine is a doom and gloom philosophy and always will be. Don’t ever try to change me because you’d be wasting your time. I say that, but nowadays i have Mandy and Jon to think about.
I've been there and I can relate. My two pugs (now passed away) were my reason to keep going. I am one of the fortunate souls who was able to come out on the other side and I'm grateful. I feel for you Terry. Oh, I was devastated when I heard about Robin Williams, but like you, I could relate and understood why he did it.
ReplyDeleteI’m glad you replied, Rain. I was thinking of you when I wrote it. I can’t help the way I am but there’s a chance that other people will get the help they so desperately need. Back then, it was a different story. They didn’t even know depression existed. You were weak if you suffered. We know otherwise, of course.
DeleteThere is depression in my paternal line and a person in my own family has suffered with it from about the age of twelve, so although I haven't yet had personal experience of it I think I understand a significant amount of the thinking that goes on. I'm so sorry for the pain too many people bear with this illness. Someday we will understand the brain better and be able to help more people. It's good that you are writing about it; the more discussion and information is out there, the better.
ReplyDeleteHi Jenny, trying to explain it to someone who hasn’t suffered from it is like trying to explain the difference between black and white.
DeleteDepression is a sucky beast. And a skilled and practised liar. My partner lives with it, and I too struggle at intervals. The more people talk about it, write about it the better. I firmly believe that things hidden in the dark fester and grow.
ReplyDeleteHi EC,
DeleteI’ve kept quiet about it when my own family still don’t know I suffer.
Terry, I suspect they might know more than your realise. My partner doesn't/can't talk about it either but I do know and ache for how bad it makes him feel.
DeleteI hope you’re right about me, EC.
DeleteMy son suffers from this disease. It causes me so much pain. He talks about it. It's very sad. He has such a good caring heart. I feel sad about you too.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Julia
I’m very sorry for you, Julia. It destroys everything it touches.
DeleteHugs Terry. I hope that you can climb out of this round of depression and enjoy something of this weekend. Hugs,
DeleteJulia
I was shocked and heartbroken when I learned about the death of Robin Williams. I have been there and I completely understand and can relate to all of it. Thankfully, I came out of that darkness for which I am grateful. I totally understand, Terry, and really feel for you. Sending you hugs and support. I am here to listen.
ReplyDeleteOnly someone who is depressed can begin to understand it, Martha. It’s in the DNA.
DeleteComments have vanished from your latest post again.
ReplyDeleteI liked the Beatles, but never warmed to Elvis or the Monkees.
I really can’t explain why, EC. I’m sorry.
DeleteNot a problem. So long as you don't mind me commenting on the 'wrong' post.
DeleteNot a problem, EC.
DeleteThanks for your nice comment Terry. I hope today is a nicer day for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Julia
Thank you, Julia.
DeleteI couldn't leave a comment on your last post but it was a nice blast from the past. Somehow I don't remember The double Decker Bus skid show. It must be that it was not available here in Canada. It looked like a fun show.
ReplyDeleteIt was great but not when you’re my age now.
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