Number nine

They could have told me : “you’re going to be laid up for a while” and i would have said “ok”. I knew i would walk again when i got better (whenever that was). It would be a simple illness and then i would be okay. But to have something like walking completely taken away from me is just too much to ask. I would never see my friends again, and then i would curl up and die. There has to be more to life than this. There has to be. I’m not afraid of dying and i don’t think anybody else should be.

if you are, then maybe you should come and and live the life that i do. The last five and a half years have been painful. And on a daily basis. Having a loved one go through this torture is something i would dread. Let me have it, instead. I wonder if each day will be the last that i spend on earth. I’m lucky to be alive. Ha, such luck! If only they knew and were made to live my life, then maybe they wouldn’t make such crass comments.

Lady Luck.

Jenny wants to know what my motivation is. I don’t need any.
. What i need is a fucking miracle and it isn’t going to happen anytime soon. As much as i’d like things to be different they aren’t going to be. For some people the fact that they write everyday for a year is all the motivation they need and if it keeps them happy to do so then so be it.

i suffer from a stroke. It’s a severe one. My ability to walk has gone and so has my speech. I’m really messed up and there’s nothing i can do about it. I wish there was. I think of myself as Britain’s unluckiest man alive. I ordered a speech machine only to have payment for it blocked by my bank. I could pay for it. Instead my ipad had the updates section removed. Even though it wasn’t my fault i was made to suffer and suffer i did. It was a terrible experience for me. I will never live it down. My bank took it upon themselves to decide what was best for me. They stopped me from spending my own money. That’s so wrong.

The bank know i have a speech problem. Nevertheless they denied me buying a speech maker. How does that work? Morons! The last thing i need are more control freaks in my life - i have plenty of them as it is. Now i find that i have to take a course of anti-biotics. Would you Adam and Eve it? My whole life has been beset by bad luck.

The blood test

This morning i had to go for a blood test at the health centre. It meant i had to have another injection. I didn’t even feel the pain as i had the prick. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but i’m not in the mood for joking about. There’s a lot you can tell from a blood sample and i’m at the age when you worry about what it can show. In my twenties i never used to bother like i do now. I suppose it’s down to age that i feel different about living.

i really wish i’d done things differently when i was younger. I wish someone could have advised me and shown me the route i should have taken. My grandad used to say “everything in moderation” and he was right. If only i had listened to him instead of being headstrong and thinking that everything i knew was right. Looking back, everything i knew turned out to be wrong. I suppose we all make mistakes. I’m just glad that mine weren’t such big ones. They could have been though.

The path i took was a very precarious one. It felt as though i’d jumped out of an aeroplane without a parachute on. If only i had a plan of action. Life was just one tragedy after another. I blame it all on depression. If only i had someone who would tell me where i was going wrong. I needed help but i never got it. My dad watched as i failed and failed. Not once did he tell me where i was going wrong. I needed him then. Helping your son is what it’s all about. At least it should be.