Tuesday, January 30, 2018


Every person receiving Personal Independence Payments (PIP) is to have their claim reviewed.
This follows a decision by the Department for Work and Pensions not to challenge a court ruling saying changes to PIP - which limited the support received by people with mental health conditions - were unfair.
Three people tell us their feelings about the review and what impact a change to their claims could have on their lives.
Vicky Smith lives in Newcastle upon Tyne. She has ulcerative colitis and wears a stoma. Dealing with excruciating pain on a daily basis, means that she's sometimes bedridden.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Don’t talk to me about justice

To speed things up a bit the courts have sent somebody to see me. I was asked why i want my rights back. Because they felt the need to ask such such a stupid question in the first place i don’t have much confidence in the eventual decision that’ll be reached. I think that a verdict has already been made and that i’ve finished second in a two-horse race. I could be wrong, but i think i’ve lost the case which i was so enthusiastic about when it first started. About ten million years ago.

it really has dragged on. If all court cases are decided this way then good luck to them. I want no part of it. My right to see that justice is done has been left battered and crumpled just like an opponent of Anthony Joshua is.

Anthony Joshua

Sunday, January 28, 2018


The last few days have been the worst of my life. I really know how a drug addict feels now to want something so badly and not get it. I could give in to my cravings and have some sugar but i’m determined not to. Life would be so much easier if i did but so much is at stake here. I’ve felt pain before, something not everybody experiences, and though it now hurts so badly i’m prepared to go on. This is what you have to go through to get rid of so much addiction. It’s not surprising that so many people fail. The amount of pressure I’m under to break free is tearing me apart.

Anyone who goes through this has my total respect. Giving up smoking was bloody hard but doing it one day at a time is the only way. Today is day 11 for me but i know that Kylie has been doing it longer. Apparently it will get easier as time goes on and i can only hope that it does. I look on the internet and find this;

.If you have an addiction, you're not alone. According to the charity Action on Addiction, one in three of us are addicted to something.

Addiction is defined as not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you.
Addiction is most commonly associated with gambling, drugs, alcohol and nicotine, but it's possible to be addicted to just about anything, including:
work – workaholics are obsessed with their work to the extent that they suffer physical exhaustion. If your relationship, family and social life are suffering and you never take holidays, you may be a work addict.
internet – as computer and mobile phone use has increased, so too have computer and internet addictions. People may spend hours each day and night surfing the internet or gaming while neglecting other aspects of their lives.
solvents – volatile substance abuse is when you inhale substances such as glue, aerosols, petrol or lighter fuel to give you a feeling of intoxication. Solvent abuse can be fatal.
shopping – shopping becomes an addiction when you buy things you don't need or want to achieve a buzz. This is quickly followed by feelings of guilt, shame or despair.
What causes addictions?
There are lots of reasons why addictions begin. In the case of drugs, alcohol and nicotine, these substances affect the way you feel, both physically and mentally. These feelings can be enjoyable and create a powerful urge to use the substances again.
Gambling may result in a similar mental "high" after a win, followed by a strong urge to try again and recreate that feeling. This can develop into a habit that becomes very hard to stop.
Being addicted to something means that not having it causes withdrawal symptoms, or a "come down". Because this can be unpleasant, it's easier to carry on having or doing what you crave, and so the cycle continues.
Often, an addiction gets out of control because you need more and more to satisfy a craving and achieve the "high".

Friday, January 26, 2018

Assumptions again...

You ask people time and time again not to make assumptions. If they do it always results in a mistake. Then they accuse me of being a ‘difficult person’. You just can’t win.
To give you an example - sugar. When i used to drink coffee i got asked: “how many sugars do you want in it?” I have porage and it’s “do you want sugar on iit?” Toast is always “do you want jam on it? If i want something i’ll ask for it. It’s not exactly an assumption they make but it’s still annoying as hell when you hear it.

The door is left wide open. They come in but as they are leaving they ask you if you want the door closing. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Why have it closed when you keep it open for a reason.?

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Disability has made my depression come a close second...

I think disability has helped my depression. There is a good way of looking at things and there is a bad way too. Being disabled has given me a whole new perspective or a different way of looking at things. Instead of continuously seeing stuff in a bad light i am looking at the positives to find how i can benefit from being like this. The lack of sugar in my system (today is my 5th day of abstinence) could be affecting the way i think and behave. However, i feel more optimistic than i’ve felt for sometime about my depression.

I see more people than i ever did before which means i’m only on my own when i want to be. Or if i want to be. My wife understands that i need to be left alone sometimes. I’m always glad to see her, mind you. She always has a positive effect on me.
Giving up smoking and being free of sugar are things i’m proud to have achieved. Being disabled has shown me what can cause a stroke and what i can do to prevent one happening in future.
i want to thank the people i see who make it ok to be disabled. I owe them everything. I also want to thank the people who understand what depression is.

i never knew my best friend suffered from depression but i wished i had. I can’t blame him from hiding it though. My most notable achievement has to be my discipline. The way i deal with pain is something i couldn’t handle. Now i can. It’s not something i spend a lot of time thinking about. I’m not bigging myself up either. I read a book about an SAS soldier who underwent amazing feats of endurance during his lifetime in the armed forces. It’s kind of what i go through each day.

Being disabled has changed my life quite a lot. Anybody who goes through it all could say the same but they don’t really have a choice about it do they? Being depressed is something i’ve had my entire life. I wish i didn’t have it. Being disabled hasn’t entirely made me forget about being depressed it but it’s made it come a close second.

Friday, January 19, 2018

...it’s where I am

‘Depression definitely got the better of me as a kid. I went to hell and back. In the 70s it was seen as something that couldn’t be cured. I suffered in silence even if it could be identified.
"I felt cloudy, confused, detached, was crying and miserable… Samaritans give me hope that my circumstances can change… I guess I feel someone’s on my side."
It influenced my decision-making when i was younger and made me feel the useless person that i was. I just needed someone to sit me down and say everything was okay. I went through childhood on my own though. Nobody ever understood me. I don’t blame anyone. I should have been hospitalised, locked in a padded room and just left there.
i’ve been racially abused many times. That added to the insult i already felt. Nobody knows why we get depressed. We just do.

i understand what it was that Robin Williams went through because depression doesn’t care how rich or famous you are. Eventually we will all say “enough is enough”. People who don’t have it will never know why, or how, depression takes over your life. You can go to the doctor’s like i did the other day. You cry you eyes out because he tells you that they can’t up your dose of antidepressants because it will interfere with your medication. And to top it off one of the residents bullies you for no reason.it gets too much to take sometimes.

I don’t know how i ever made it to where i am. I just don’t know. People must have had it years ago and kept it to themselves. I should have done something when i became aware of it. There’s nothing i can do about it now.
i thought i could cope with it but how wrong was i?
i’ve never been able to cope. I just thought that i could. I should have done something before it had the chance to make me the coward that i’ve become.
Just add it to the list of regrets that i’ve had. It’s a list that gets longer everyday.

i didn’t know then what a dismal life i’d lead. So many mistakes that i’ve made.it’s not my fault though.
it’ll all be over soon and then i’ll discover what it was really all about.

Thursday, January 18, 2018


It’s one of the most sought-after substances known to man and yet we tend to ignore the effects that sugar can have on us. We all have the right to know that sugar can lead to us having a stroke or a heart attack when we’re older but if given up that is preventable..

Sugar and my consumption of it is probably why i am like this today although what i smoked was, i’m sure, a contributory factor. I only have myself to blame and I just wished i’d had more sense than to do what i did.

I’m on a diet of no sugar which is why i had three cups of water plus very plain porridge for breakfast. Today is the second day of the diet although i plan to make it a permanent one. I’ll keep you in touch with what happens.

Friday, January 12, 2018

There are many problems with disability that I’ve faced...

There are many problems that i have to face. There are many times that Muhammed Ali must have wondered how much tougher it could be though. Life isn’t easy. Other people have faced uphill struggles and have come out of it the other side. Something, don’t ask me what, is making a better person of me. I just knoe i have a better outlook on life and can see what i’ve had to achieve to get where i am today. How this helps me is another subject. I don’t know.I know that it has though.

if i can still raise a smile when things are going against me i must be doing something right. I have a million questions i want to ask but the truth is unfolding right in front of my eyes. There is only one truth i want to know and that is am i doing the right thing now? I’ve made made so many mistakes in the past that all i can do - and it’s killing me - is to go over them ad infinitum. I’ve got enough on my plste as it is. Mandy has got a good attitude in that nothing seems to worry her. If only i can learn from her.

in the years to come this will all be over. In the meantime i have new challenges to face and i must put Mandy’s and Jonny’s feelings ahead of my own. I can see that now. One day i won’t even have to think about it like that .it’ll just come to me naturally. Many other people have faced adversity. I’m not the only one. There are many things i’ve achieved. I mustn’t forget that. Even if the road ahead is a rocky one it will all be worth it in the end.

i can live only one day at a time. The good thing is that i’ve got all the time in the world. I don’t know what the future will bring. It can’t be worse than the past.
There are plenty of people who can do what i’ve done.it would be wrong to say they couldn’t. It’s like a marathon runner. A test of endurance. I’ve had lots of practice of that in the past. Endurance not marathon runninig.

I sometimes wonder, if my ability to walk hadn’t been taken away, if i could run a marathon. It’s something i’ll never know. And it’s something i don’t worry about really. Everything happens for a reason .
I’ve accepted the fact that there are a lot of things i can’t do now that i used to be able to. Life isn’t what it used to be. Life isn’t about me anymore.

I don’t know a lot of things and my memory has seen better times.  We can’t know everything that is going to happen, but everything does fo...