‘Depression definitely got the better of me as a kid. I went to hell and back. In the 70s it was seen as something that couldn’t be cured. I suffered in silence even if it could be identified.
"I felt cloudy, confused, detached, was crying and miserable… Samaritans give me hope that my circumstances can change… I guess I feel someone’s on my side."
It influenced my decision-making when i was younger and made me feel the useless person that i was. I just needed someone to sit me down and say everything was okay. I went through childhood on my own though. Nobody ever understood me. I don’t blame anyone. I should have been hospitalised, locked in a padded room and just left there.
i’ve been racially abused many times. That added to the insult i already felt. Nobody knows why we get depressed. We just do.
i understand what it was that Robin Williams went through because depression doesn’t care how rich or famous you are. Eventually we will all say “enough is enough”. People who don’t have it will never know why, or how, depression takes over your life. You can go to the doctor’s like i did the other day. You cry you eyes out because he tells you that they can’t up your dose of antidepressants because it will interfere with your medication. And to top it off one of the residents bullies you for no reason.it gets too much to take sometimes.
I don’t know how i ever made it to where i am. I just don’t know. People must have had it years ago and kept it to themselves. I should have done something when i became aware of it. There’s nothing i can do about it now.
i thought i could cope with it but how wrong was i?
i’ve never been able to cope. I just thought that i could. I should have done something before it had the chance to make me the coward that i’ve become.
Just add it to the list of regrets that i’ve had. It’s a list that gets longer everyday.
i didn’t know then what a dismal life i’d lead. So many mistakes that i’ve made.it’s not my fault though.
it’ll all be over soon and then i’ll discover what it was really all about.
Oh Terry. This post hurts my head and my heart. Depression is a skilled and practised liar. If ever you are feeling that you are useless and worthless, it is the lies that the soulsucker is telling you. Again.
ReplyDeletePlease ring the Samaritans. As often as it takes.
Sorry to upset you EC.. talking is the only way sometimes.
DeleteIt is. And never, ever be ashamed of how you feel. Talk away.
DeletePlease read "The noonday Demon" by Andrew Soloman.
ReplyDeleteI am the daughter of a depressed mother who committed suicide. It could have been my ending too as I have been depressed many times, in my 58 years.
The book certainly offers solutions and hope.
Sending all good wishes.
thanks
DeleteOne must know the difference between depressed and depression as a disease. Unfortunately, many health care professionals do not know that difference. I think and I hope with those who are considered "famous" succumbing to the solution of suicide as a treatment of the disease, the general public will be more and more tuned into the disease of depression. Sending you virtual hugs and kind thoughts. Surround yourself with as much peace and kindness as is possible. Read a happy book. Listen to uplifting music! And always, think of beautiful children laughing and playing and being free.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you are in the midst of depression, Terry. I only know of it second-hand through family members, but that is enough to have opened my eyes. I can tell you how my grandfather dealt with it before the days of any medications - he drank ... a lot. So did his sons and grandsons who inherited it. I imagine a lot of people did the same. But it was not a good solution. I wish there was some medication you could get that would be compatible with your other drugs. Is there a chance of getting a second opinion, or maybe seeing a psychiatrist because they know more about medications and alternatives for depression than general practitioners do.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you continue to talk - to your family, to your doctor, to us. We are here and we will listen.
jenny_o is right. As she so often is.
DeleteThey are arranging for me to see somebody
DeletePlease don't do anything dangerous. A psychiatrist may try a different combination of medications that will work better. Get in touch with someone to set things up.
ReplyDeleteYears ago I suffered from depression. I'm okay now but still take my antidepressants every day.
Many people, even healthcare workers don't understand that being sad is not the same as being depressed.
I'll be following your blog wishing for your recovery.
Thanks John
DeleteHi, Terry. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. This post was difficult to read, so I can just imagine what you are going through. Please reach out for help. There are good people out there who make a difference.
ReplyDeleteHi Martha
Deletehang in there, Terry!! we want you around!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kylie. Today is day 8 that I go without sugar. It’s having an effect on me. Can’t you tell..?
DeleteI'm on day 13 and boy do I want a chocolate chip biscuit!! or a donut or anything really!!
DeleteDon’t do it Kylie! I’m on day 10 and I want to do a whole year.
DeleteI found this a sad post when you have seemed so upbeat recently but thank you for sharing your darkness. I wish that there was something that I could write that would help you to drive that "black dog" back in his kennel but of course there isn't. Hang on in there man - there will be brighter days ahead.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support YP. I’ve given up on so many things. They said I have to support Hull City next I said “no way”. Nobody should ever be asked that..
Delete