Even though i’m disabled on the outside, on the inside i’m still the same person i used to be. Nothing has changed, only your perception of me has. It’s so frustrating to realise that, once upon a time, i wasn’t like this and i made decisions that counted. The only thing that’s changed is that these days i use a wheelchair. There’s no going back to how i used to be. This is it how it is now. My life has finished. It doesn’t matter how many times you say it hasn’t, it has.
Being stuck in a wheelchair is not how i thought it would end. Yes, i know it could happen to anyone. I’m not really in the mood to talk about it. Now, or ever.
The home i live in is home to seventeen people. They all have a neurological disorder which prevents them from living on their own. It’s not the best situation there is, but you have to make do. Everybody has their own room which comes with their own bathroom too. Places like this really do exist.
inside the home there is our version of what a Tourettes sufferer would sound like if he was disabled.
First of all he tells the carers to f*** off and then he asks everyone if they are married. The number of times that i’ve heard someone asked “are you married?” is in triple figures. At least!
The number of visitors i get can be described as plenty. This is a figure that will change with time, though. One thing that never ceases to wind me up is the way they have taken some of my rights away from me. They’ve even convinced every court that they are right to do so. I just think i’ve been cheated out of something that is rightfully mine to have.
I don’t know what the future holds for me. It’s not even me that i’m concerned about. I lost that battle when i lost the ability to walk. Having the stroke was something that changed my life forever. Nothing else could make it worse. But in the course of the next five years anything could happen. When it comes to being confined to a wheelchair then nothing will ever change that. That’s a cast iron guarantee. Will i still be writing crappy posts like this one? Probably not but you never know....
Just thinking about your situation is infuriating. I wish something could be done to change it. I know you've stood up for yourself in legal action. Did nothing improve because of it?
ReplyDeleteNothing has changed.
DeleteI will never become Prime Minister. Not a job I aspire to, and I don't have the necessary charisma to attract votes.
ReplyDeleteNone of us know what the future holds - and I do hope that you find yours filled with unexpected joy.
Thanks. I don’t see the future as being something I look forward to.
DeletePerhaps it will sneak up on you.
DeleteI doubt it.
DeleteI love that picture. It captures really well the idea of being the same inside even when the outside has changed. I'm glad you get plenty of visitors and hope that continues.
ReplyDeleteI can’t take any credit for the picture.
DeleteHope things get better for you.
ReplyDeleteThey can’t, John. You’ve either got it or you haven’t.
DeleteFirst off...you don't write "crappy posts"...
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I have no desire,...never have had, and will never have the desire ...to become prime minister.
I've always held the belief that one...the real inner being, inner self...never changes. I believe one never changes. One's outer appearance changes throughout the course of the years. Knowledge is learned...and then, some forgotten...etc., etc., etc....Life plays its games etc., etc., etc.,, but I believe, and always have held this belief... it's just my opinion and my belief...one I'm not shoving down anyone's throat...is a person doesn't change....not the inner self. The unique individual who is me...or in your case, you...and so on.....
Thanks, Lee. Forrest Gump once described life as a box of chocolate. I think he did.
DeleteYou are right! You are still the same person on the inside. And I hope you do continue to have many visitors. That is a great thing.
ReplyDeleteI have never had the desire to be Prime Minister and I never will. In fact, I've never been interested in getting into politics in any way.
I could be the PM. Just don’t ask me to make any speeches.
DeleteIt's frustrating when you know you are the same inside but you can't get the outside to match. I like reading your crappy posts!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that, Kylie.
DeleteYou are actually living in a prison and it's not your choice, obviously. Being stuck in a body that isn't responding to your will must be frustrating beyond words.
ReplyDeleteI was in a wheelchair with my foot elevated for a week when I smashed the bones in my foot once and getting around was difficult and the only thing I lost was my mobility. I can imagine what it must feel like for you but your writing about it gives me a glimpse of your torture.
What is your day like? What routine s do you have? Do you get to go outside and about. I hope that you're not stuck inside all day especially when the sun is shining.
Hugs, Julia
Well said Julia. There are difficult times and the fact that you have faced difficult times means that you have a better understanding than most people have.
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