When you’re disabled you go on an incredible journey. You become more resilient than you already are. Don’t ever be surprised by anything that happens to you. When life gets as bad as it can possibly be, there are a couple of surprises that are waiting for you. Things happen for a reason. It isn’t always clear what that is. You won’t be disappointed though. It just takes belief in what it is that you want.

Although it may be tough now, it won’t always be like this. You just have to hang on. I’m not a believer in many things but I believe in this.  I don’t worship God but at the same time I can’t completely rule Him out because a lot of people believe in things that I know nothing about.

When I was ‘normal’ I wish i’d learnt to study faiths because there are so many. Some of them have to be meaningful. Christianity leaves more questions than answers. Could Christ really walk on water?  I have trouble in believing that he could. A lot of other things, such as values within the Christian faith are very good. I try to adopt them for myself.

I don’t eat bread or sugar and don’t drink milk. I’m a vegan and think that dairy products are bad for you. Eating natural foods and steering clear of processed food is also something that I practice. It’s hard work but sticking to it pays off in the end. It took me becoming disabled to get a diet that will help me in the long term.

I’m 59 and disabled. I don’t care what happens to me. I’ve been through a lot. If you say, ‘well so have I’, i’ll ask if you’re disabled like me. If you aren’t, then the discussion will end there and then. Being disabled has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I had a dream last night that I had cancer and was going to die.

I wasn’t worried at all.  I thought i’d done my best and would take it as i’ve taken everything else in life. A bit of pain never hurts me and a lot of it will soon go away. Bargain!  Disability is as bad as that. Dying doesn’t really bother me because my belief lets me know that better times are ahead.
‘What do you want to eat?’ said a carer.


 ‘Mashed potato and carrots’, I replied ‘mushy peas and fish fingers’. ‘Okay that’s for lunch’ she said. ‘That’s for every meal this week’ I replied. She looked at me as if she didn’t think I’d mean it. i did. Being disabled means you can put up with anything. Even certain death.

I’m not being brave. Who knows what that is? Honesty rules my life. Somebody once said to me: ‘You’re lucky to be alive’ I looked at them up and down and said ‘are you fucking serious?’

I have a problem realising what is happening to me at any given time. If it is harmful, I only think of the good things that can occur. The trouble is that I should always be aware and i’m not. My girlfriend nearly got me sent to prison. I’m innocent of the assault they charged me with but I ignored the judges and hoped for the best.  

My mum slept with the next-door neighbour. That’s two women who’ve let me down when I needed them most. Two women who have lost my trust and they are two people who I will never feel a  special bond with again. In the past I did.

You may think that’s a harsh way to be. It is. There comes a point when you expect decent behaviour from those who are nearest to you. It’s not a lot to ask for.

Disabled

Being disabled

I never thought I’d be disabled. It never entered my head. I was normal and just like most 53-year olds are. As a disabled person I experienced personal tragedy. It’s something that disabled people face each day of their lives. It happens every day and is horrifying. You want to kill yourself rather than face a moment of what comes. Only a brave person could ever go through the challenges that exist and every day too.