t’m feeling as low as i ever have done. I owe it to Mandy to push on to the end (whenever that will be) and see what happens.
She would do the same for me. I cry and cry but i don’t know why. I’ve cried at the doctor’s and i’ve cried in the street. I really can’t help myself. Life is so sad. Or so it seems. I get a feeling that it’s just not worth it to carry on. And it’s so lonely.
crying is not something i normally do but being disabled has changed everything forever. For instance, i’ve never had an anxiety complex before. Not one as serious as those. They affect you and leave you unable to think straight. You don’t get the blinding headaches if you forget about them. But there are other things you can come across when you’re disabled. Your whole body can face a system shutdown and you can’t explain it. Nobody can understand why you don’t respond to anything they say to you. You need the proper antibiotics and then pray that you’re going to be okay.
i’m learning what it’s like to be disabled. It’s not easy and it’s not nice. You lose your memory. People ask you to repeat yourself even though you find it hard to talk and express yourself. One day it will all be over but it isn’t how i imagined it would be. I wish i knew how it would’ve turned out so i could have done something about it. I suppose we all have regrets.
