The biggest difference to me is being understood. It’s my problem but i still see it as a problem. You can’t use your speech maker whenever you want to because it just doesn’t work like that. I wish it did. Jenny’s dad must have had worse problems being understood than i’ve ever faced. You just give in sometimes. The ever increasing volume of what goes on around you puts paid to anything you can say. Why should you expect quiet in a world that’s so used to noise?
Every day feels like a groundhog day for me. I have to drink a certain amount of water (a lot) or else i’ll end up back in hospital. I’ve included that tale on my life story, which i play to anyone who hasn’t heard it but needs to. It’s a collection of phrases that i’ve made on my speech maker. The speechmaker takes a lot of time to operate, but it serves its purpose. Every morning certain people go outside for cigarettes. You could set the time by it.
Drinking a lot of water means you need the toilet a lot of the time. That can be a laugh. I lead this lifestyle every day. It’s not great. I mean, people look at me in an unusual way when i avoid the sun like i do. I can’t have distractions like that. I feel like i’m being punished everyday because i have to drink so much.
There are men who live life so easily and there are those who need a little help. I’ll let you guess where i came. Unfortunately Mandy and Jon were people who suffered. I didn’t know about anything about life to be able to help them. I suffer from depression. I wish i didn’t. I’ve had it all my life though. When it takes control i give in and make decisionx i find hard to justify. I can’t find help anywhere. Even my own family won’t help me.
I feel as though someone is deciding my fate for me. I can do nothing about it. I’m just a prisoner.
I think it’s important to get as many experiences as possible when taking photographs. Never say never, and always try to get something different when you shoot something. In the photograph above i got so close to the couple it was embarrasing. What the crowd thought didn’t really matter to me.
I think you have to lose your legs to really know what it’s like to be without them. You can’t begin to describe what it’s to be without legs. You can imagine what it’s like but that’s not the same. To top it off, i’ve lost the use of my right arm and i have trouble speaking.
A few months earlier i had no idea that any of this was going to happen to me. 2012 was the year that i photographed a lot of weddIngs. did it The important thing is that a lot of people enjoyed what i was doing too. The photos of the weddings made great albums.
When the stroke happened i remember feeling unwell the night before. In the morning i tried to get Jonny to phone in sick for me. I fell to the floor. Something was wrong. I just didn’t know what it was. I was taken by ambulance, to Leicester.
I can hardly speak. That’s why I use a talking aid. The words get typed in, it repeats what i say and i don’t have to struggle when i need to say what i need to say. I get worried by the amount that i’ve deteriorated since i first arrived here. My own mortality is not my major concern though. It never was.The whole point of a talking aid as far as i can see is that other people can understand what i want to say. That’s why it’s so important to me.
This talking aid allows me to construct phrases i will find useful. Phrases i will use again and again. I’ve already used it to be able to tell my story. I wish i could show you.
I need some serious help. I don’t have the strength to lift my arm after 12pm. This is not a hunger strike. It’s something more serious that. I don’t know what it is.
If you’re stuck in hospital watching a clock, then you’ve hit rock bottom. It can happen to anyone and at any time. I remember what it was like for me and i wouldn’t wish it on anybody. It takes powers of skill and endurance to do it. It can be done. Watching a clock for hour after hour sounds an easy thing to do. It can be. it can be the making of you too. While the whole world carries on without you, you get lost in your own thoughts. You’re taken miles away to a new life. A life of peace and tranquility. A quarter past three soon becomes half past four in your new world.
I’ve been there so many times that i don’t let it bother me anymore. The cooks gave me a meal that nearly choked me, on Thursday. I give up. I don’t have a life that’s worth living anymore and I can think of lots of things to mull over. Having a clockface keep me company is nothing new. I’ve had it all my life. Having one keep me awake in a bedroom is a relatively new experience. At least i know the time and haven’t allowed for it to get light to guess the time like I have done in the past.
You can never get bored with a clock in the room to keep you company, though. You get bored waiting but never get bored with a clock. It’s a friend you can rely on. Once you get used to it you can wait for two hours at a time. I wait for two hours to charge my ipad up. The mind becomes used to it. When i was in hospital, the clock became my greatest friend. I remember staring out of the window at The Royal Infirmary in Leiicester, looking at the buildings i could see. It changed from early morning to being early night. If you just think how lucky you are, you’ll believe it.
Being alone in a room can give you a positive outlook on life. That’s all you need to remember. If i can do it then so can you. Not only have i been put through this, others have too and shown that they will survive. It’s basic hardship training for others. I’m reminded of how Chris Ryan would have dealt with the situation if he ever came across it. The former SAS man would’ve laughed at the challenge. It’s not that you have to be a ‘tough’ guy to achieve it, because you don’t.
