The average Garden Snail....

My aunt has asked me if they know what’s wrong with me. I tell her I haven’t a clue and all i can do is hope for the best. All I know is that it’s a neurological condition and a disorder. I’m not in a vegative state so why worry about what could happen but never has? Apparently, an average garden snail has more mental capacity than i do.Not a lot of people know that. I just know that when i get a drop of blood in my urine i face a complete systems shutdown. There’s nothing i can do about it when it happens and find myself taking part in a lot of involuntary sleeping as a result. I’ve realised that the antibiotics they pump into me and the huge amounts of water i drink make all the difference at the end of the day.

Life is a little precarious and hangs in the balance when you explain it like that, but i never normally do. Life is too short for that. The average garden snail has more mental capacity than me if you believe what SALT has to say. I don’t believe them. i think SALT were put on the planet to antagonise me. They certainly do a good job of that. My wife says “are you ok? “ i say “no, guess why.” SALT assume things about me and that’s the problem. If they aren’t doing a job they’re afraid the government won’t give them any money. Quangos. How much better off Britain would be without them.

i believe that if a patient is awake then he should be able to choose what he wants to eat. If it can be PROVEN that his life will be in danger if he follows this course of action then a doctor or nurse should be able to choose. It’s common sense. Not when it comes to SALT, though. There’s is a world where the blind lead the blind. If only there was a legal process when you need it. There isn’t. Alfie Evans is a 23 month old baby whose parents have no say in his life. Someone has allowed the law to make the next decision about him. His parents don’t have a say.

For the last five and a half years my rights have been taken away from me. A garden snail has more than me. I’m not doing very well at all. The only right i have is that i don’t have to eat food if i don’t want to. There may be a time when that happens. There’s all kind of possibilities that could happen. One day i may even get the same recognition as the average garden snail. Somehow i doubt it though.

A Change of Habit...

A few of you may have heard that i’m fighting a court case. Well, I lost it. “You have no mental capacity!” Is what they told me when trying to justify their position. I told them to “fuck off!”, to get out of my room and never come back. “You can’t talk to us like that. I’m a psychiatrist” is what one of them said. I looked at him and he looked back at me, nervously trying to work out where i’d hidden the magnum that i used on guests i didn’t like. “I can talk to you anyway i like” i said. “Now scram.” And they did. Knowing i’d lost the court case gave me a new lease of life. I decided to ditch the healthy lifestyle and concentrate on becoming a slob-like Homer Simpson again. What the hell is the point of doing things the right way when i get right royally fucked over at the first chance that comes their way?

In the five and a half years that i’ve been disabled i’ve only ever known SALT to be in charge. they’ve always tried to deceive me. And have been successful in doing so. You might say ‘how have they tried to deceive you?’ That would involve me talking. It’s something i can’t do very well. They know. I’d be the first to admit it.Try to imagine a pair of nails being pulled over a blackboard to imagine how frustrating it can be. Or a song that’s on full blast and you’re trying to make yourself heard above the noise. That’s what the relationship between me and SALT is like.

I’m not really happy about the change of habit because i’d worked so hard at making the change work. It was going so well too. I still drink water because the taste of a coffee and tea i don’t like. There’s a real danger to your health when you drink the amount of it i was drinking. The change back to the way i was hasn’t really helped me either but i still felt the need to do it. One thing that hasn’t changed - and never will - is the way i feel about SALT. Some things will NEVER change. Not as long as i have an hole in my arse.

i’m not sure what is happening, and i am sure it has nothing to do with the slobbish diet i am on, but i feel a sense of helplessness come over me. It happened yesterday as well. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s a natural kind of feeling. I still wish i had a machine gun and that SALT were lined up in front of me. It can’t be that bad then. I can feel a bit of a smile as i let rip with my weapon. It’s really good to see my tormentors run for cover. “You said you’re a psychiatrist. Make sense of that, you “scumbag” it feels naughty but nice. They’ll need to sort me out with a new pychiatrist after this one.

The London Marathon....

yesterday was the London marathon. 40,000 runners were in competition on what turned out to be the hottest day of the year. The queen started the race from Windsor and people were made to be aware of the heat situation they faced. Despite that, Mo Farrah finished the race in third position. I’m not sure why he was running although he probably thought he could win it. Maybe he has some other explanation. I’ve got a mental image of him knocking on people’s doors and asking for their sponsorship. It’s a great image to have but i doubt there’s any truth in it.

i’m sure there’s a great sense of cameraderie among the masses of people who ran yesterday. They were running for reasons best known to themselves but only a fool would doubt their commitment. It’s something very personal and you have to admire them for that. To run in this weather saps the energy but takes real determination. Anything i’ve ever accomplished in my lifetime can only pale into insignification when i see how much they push themselves. The pain they go through is immense.
It’s always the feet that take the most punishment. They always do. I still remember even though it’s been a long time. You never forget. It’s like riding a bike.

Every runner wishes they were as good as Mo Farrah. We can all dream though. The important thing is to make a difference in the life of people. Sue Thould and her family have done it this weekend without even knowing they’ve done it. Even though i can’t walk i wish i could because i’d like to try the London marathon next year. It’d be hard. Nothing is worth having unless you have to earn it. I’m sure i could give that Farrah chap a run for his money.

My disability prevents me from competing but i’d have to be at the top of my game to run in that heat. That and a lot of training should do the trick. I’ve run to Nuneaton and back home again which is about 10 miles. That run was at night. No heatwave there then. I just need an alsation to chase me. All 26 miles. Thank goodness for the Sues of this world. What would we do without them to inspire us?

The 1970s and all that, man...

The biggest stars of the 70s were

Elvis Presley (Parsley if you’re vegetarian)

The Monkees...

and Batman.

Many of you won’t remember the 1970s so i thought i’d give you my take of it. Don’t worry - it won’t take long and then you can get back to what you were doing before i wandered into your life. Here goes. The 1970s began with the end of The Beatles. It was the year they called it quits. But who were they? I’d never heard of them. The biggest stars in the world were: Elvis Presley (who would die in 1977. It was a huge shock to the world of entertainment when it happened), The Monkees and Batman.
In television, Engand and the rest of the United Kingdom had two channels to choose from. You either had BBC1 or itv. I don’t know about the rest of the world but England and the UK had The Double Deckers Show. It was a ground breaker of a programme which appealed to the mass of kids out there, like me, who wanted something that was chirpy and cheerful to watch and turned the 70s into something more special than the 60s had been.

There really was an Elvis Parsley, a boxer, but he must have hated being called by that name. Either his dad had a great sense of humour or he hated the fact that his girlfriend got pregnant.

(Above -The double deckers’ opening credits)

My Journey....

I remember the day,in 2014, that Robin Williams took his own life. I’ve struggled to live with how he felt on that day, for many years. You can’t explain it to anyone because they wouldn’t understand it.
You just feel like the most useless person in the world. You can’t make decisions or do anything.
i was 14 and alone in the house when it first happened to me. I didn’t know what was happening but i sank to my knees and started crying. Afterwards, i just ‘pulled myself together’ and walked to the library in town. I didn’t know what depression was. It has taken over my life since then and i don’t think i’ll ever get rid of it.

From then till now it’s been an incredible journey. Sometimes i feel as though i am part of an experiment. That can’t be true. Being disabled was never part of the plan. I should have killed myself when i was 10. It would have saved everything that was to follow. I thought about it. That’s all it was. Thought. I never had the strength to act on my convictions. I just needed the push to be able to do it. Robin Williams had the push. Depression made me a wimp, it took everything away from me.
Long distance running became my salvation. I wanted to be like Forrest Gump. it made the voices in my head go away for a little while.

Growing up was hard. I kept everything a secret. My depression was bottled up and that wasn’t the best thing to do. i needed support from someone who had been there before me. Someone who knew what i was going through. But no-one was around to guide me. I often look back on those days and wonder how i ever managed to survive. The pressure on me was unbelievable. I fully understood how and why Robin Williams did what he did. I’ll never stop feeling that way and i know it’ll take very little effort to have me wanting to end it all. Some people can’t understand that logic. Logic doesn’t come into it at all. I’m not the only one to feel that way although you may think that i am. I thought i was the only one too.

I could take my life at any moment. I’ve always felt like that. I never made any plans because i didn’t think it was necessary. I would be okay in the morning and feel completely different about things by the afternoon. That’s how it was. I had no reason to question it. I never thought about my future. As far as i was concerned i didn’t have one. I’ve always felt like that and i always will. Mine is a doom and gloom philosophy and always will be. Don’t ever try to change me because you’d be wasting your time. I say that, but nowadays i have Mandy and Jon to think about.

Today is..

April 17th Day 93 ofno sugar and day 2 of no SALT.

Salt is a four letter word

I can understand how some people can just give up and say ‘enough is enough’. Life is something you’re either good at or you’re not. You gave it your best shot and you failed..Big deal. Being disabled really sucks. It’s time you had a change. For five years i’ve had SALT decide what i have to eat. No more. They USED to exist, but now they don’t.i refuse to accept their existance and will not eat anything while they are in charge. It will probably kill me but i’m prepared to die for what is right.

Today is day 92 of no-sugar day and day 1 of no SALT day. No salt day is not a bargaining tool that i intend to use to my advantage. I am fully aware of what i an doing. I have had enough of SALT and what they stand for. No longer are they going to control my life.

If I can do this I can do anything

I’ve never believed in fairytales, until it happened to me, that is. I wouldn’t call it a fairytale. It’k more like a nightmare.
How can can an organisation so morally corrupt as SALT is, take my rights away and say i have no mental capacity to claim them back?
Today is the 90th day since i’ve had sugar. I HAVE NO MENTAL CAPACITY!
it’s been a year since i’ve smoked. i HAVE NO MENTAL CAPACITY!
i’m a vegetarian. I HAVE NO MENTAL CAPACITY! I must be atree hugger.
I’m not a vegetarian - i’m a vegetable. They HAVE NO MENTAL CAPACITY!
i really feel, at this moment, that life isn’t worth living.
if it gets much worse i will do something about it.

This week i felt as if my whole world came
crashing down around me.
it wasn’t a good feeling to have, believe me.
i decided there and then that i would eat everything put in front of me. I didn’t care what it tasted like.
that’s my new ambition in life. I said to Chloe (a carer) “if i can do this, i can do anything.” I needed that. It focuses my mind on something more positive and i know i can achieve it. It’s a-one-day-at-a-time thought process. I’m definitely up for the challenge. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

it will start off as one day but it will soon be more and more as days go by.
You should try it if you’re up for it. I’ll even eat swede, beetroot and cauliflower if i have to. I just don’t care.
My situation has worsened in that i find it hard to talk. I spend a lot of time sleeping too. Sometimes it’s all day even. So, i’ve had some bad news but have made it more positive. I have to stay positive. It’s what i do. The staff here have been brilliant. Maria, the cook, made me the most beautiful chili today. I just live day by day as anybody would.

it feels quite strange to wake up everyday and live out the life of someone who is disabled. I’ve never imagined what it would be like. I think i must have the first signs of dementia because i forget things now that i used to remember easily. i haven’t blogged for a while but i’ve been so unwell. So unwell that they are sending a doctor to see me. There’s nothing i can do about it. One of my fellow residents, who was younger than me, died recently. It shocked me and put the fear of God into me. If anything ever happened to Mandy and Jonny i’d have nothing left to live for. I often think i’m a special case and i don’t mean that in a good way. Anything that could go wrong - has. I should have ended it all when i was 10 i didn’t have the guts back then. Now i do.