Leon and Helen...

It may well be that, at some point in the future, i become totally mute. If i do, i won’t lose any sleep over it There are people worse off than me. There always will be.

Here’s a picture of my mate Chris with his dog. It was taken in Shenton on a road unaffected by the snow. Chris never minded me taking pictures. If i was happy, he was happy. He was a great model who helped me no end. He always did.

He lived not far from this photo which was where King Richard iii was killed. Or so they say.

Leon with his best man. His only son. What a star he was. I was there as the photographer and wanted to capture everything i could.

Leon and his beautiful bride, the lovely Helen. I’d known Leon for years. What a great couple they make.

what i enjoyed best. A football match...

Luke Richards...

Whenever you saw Luke Richards play football you knew you were in the presence of someone special. I saw the Hinckley United manager and said to him “Dean, you’ve got to see this kid play! He’s awesome.”
he said “Terry, get a fucking life”. I grabbed him by both lapels and pulled him closer making sure he could smell my garlicky breath. “Dean..just watch him.” I said. Ok, that last bit was dramatic licence but i arranged for Luke to take part in a 1st-team training session. He was brilliant. Andre Gray, a first-team regular challenged Luke for the ball, bounced off of him and landed flat on his arse. It was an amazing introduction for Luke and people who witnessed the incident just gasped their approval.

Leon and Jimmy get married to their girlfriends, and Hinckley United....

A lot of my spare time was spent at Hinckley United where i took a lot of photographs of the games that were being played there. Taking endless photographs of Hinckley and the Princes Feathers football teams were great. That’s where i met Leon Simmons and Jimmy Gee and their wives to be (Helen and Stacey). I photographed each of their weddings and had a great time doing them.

Leon with his ‘mafia’ of mates all of whom were, in fact, great guys who weren’t wearing knuckle dusters and ready to jump me either.

Helen’s brother was handy with the baby sitting duties.
Here are some of the many Hinckley United pictures i got:

Dean, the computer geek gets married. My two brothers.

I did my mate Dean’s wedding in 2012. Here he is just after getting married.

...and his wife with her bridesmaids.

My two brothers, Steve and Dave. Dave has his son, Ethan, with him.

Not bothering about what anyone thinks....

Hmm...i never really cared about what anyone else would think. I just took the picture.

The midbeats’ Jake eating some cold pizza. He’s in discussion with the director of the video. I used a special programme to give it this look.

A great-looking girl at a wedding bash.

Hinckley United’s Andre Gray in FA Cup action. He now plays professionally for Watford.

My niece getting ready for her sister’s wedding.

Jimmy and Stacey celebrate their wedding with a dance.

Leon and Helen get their son to be the best man. Here he is giving away the ring.

Stacey having her hair done before her wedding to Jimmy.

i used that programme to create a picturesque view of Shenton which is a place in Leicestershire.

Blogging...

Blogging has become an important way of life for many people. Everyday, there are blogs being written and read about subjects so diverse that it would take an age to mention them all. Some blogs NEVER get read and are written by authors who couldn’t care less if nobody ever saw them. Despite that, most blogs are written in the hope that at least one person will read it. We all like to be noticed.
One day you’ll notice that you’ve got 30 comments on your blog but nobody seems to realise that you’ve had to write 30 comments on other peoples’ blogs to get them to write to you. Before you know it, you’ve become a real blogger. You have to put off what jobs you used to have in order to make sure your blog is successful.

There’s a lot of work involved. You might think that it’s easy to write a blog but it takes a lot of thought and dedication. Some people get, naturally, frustrated by it all. What i‘d really like to see is a blog about disability being written by a disabled person. i’ve tried to.write about the many things a disabled person has to put up with as he goes through his daily life. The blog i want to read has to be done by somebody who is disabled though. I mean, you wouldn’t expect a meat eater to write a blog about vegetarianism, would you?

There are many blogs which have been started and then abandoned because nobody has left a comment for you to reply to. To get more active you need to visit more blogs and leave a message for them to show them how keen you are on their work. To get regular viewers for your blog you will need to choose an interesting subject to write about. Choosing something that interests you and other people reading about is half the battle. If you’re somebody who likes fishing then write about fishing. Somebody out there will share the passion you have for the sport and will love to hear about it. If you choose something that nobody is interested in then you probably won’t get a lot of followers.

Getting a new blog is a bit like getting a new puppy in that you won’t be able to leave it alone for five minutes. Remember not to forget about the rest of your life. Other people have and decided that the life they used to live was okay. They lose interest in the blog and don’t bother using it anymore. What was once a passion now becomes a burden. The blog is left to gather dust and soon forgotten about just like a puppy was a plaything at Christmas and is now surplus to requirements. If you’re clever you won’t ever let that happen. Just think - there’s a time and a place for everything. You don’t want something that you used to love doing now become a thing that you’re no longer interested in.

Positive Mental Attitude...

There isn’t anything special that you have to do to get positive mental attitude. You say you’re going to do something - and then you do it. You aim low. Aiming low makes things more achievable. For instance, don’t say you’re going to give something up for 100 days - give it up for 10 days instead. When you get to 10 days, then do 10 more days and so on. Doing it this way will give you more confidence in your ability to get things done. I use this method to work out how many days i’ve gone without sugar. The figure is 46 days so far. I want to go a whole year. I’ll get there eventually. Giving up cigarettes is done the same way. I used to be a smoker but never realised how much harm i was doing to myself. You’ll need plenty of determination to succeed. Nothing is easy, but just think success. Think about how much money you will have saved when you get to a hundred days. Think about how much healthier you will be.

My Auntie Christine is amazed at the success i have. She gives up smoking but she doesn’t have a strategy. She’s bound to fail and does. My mum doesn’t want to give up smoking because, she says, she enjoys it. Really? She’s too weak-willed to do it, you mean. But, it’s her choice and nothing i can say will dissuade her from smoking. To stop smoking you have to want to do it. When all else fails try the positive mental attitude method next. It just might be what you need.

The video clip is about Anthony Joshua and his rise to greatness. It’s 30 minutes long and is very inspirational. It tells the story of a man and his determination to succeed. Warning. Only watch it if you are committed.
The team leader asked me what i wanted to eat next week and one meal i asked for was carrots, boiled potatoes and cabbage. Not exactly my favourite, but one which i’m determined to eat. You have to be.

Another distraction you can have is your lifestyle. The secret is not to let ANYTHING stop you achieving whatever goal it is that you want. It might be women or drinking that you enjoy. But giving up smoking (if that’s what it is that you want) is your number one priority now and if you carry on doing it you won’t regret it. One person can do it now. That person is you.

Porridge

Sarah Knapton By Sarah Knapton, Science Editor4:28PM GMT 05 Jan 2015

A small bowl of porridge each day could be the key to a long and healthy life, after a major study by Harvard University found that whole grains reduce the risk of dying from heart disease.
Although whole grains are widely believed to be beneficial for health it is the first research to look at whether they have a long-term impact on lifespan.
Researchers followed more than 100,000 people for more than 14 years monitoring their diets and health outcomes.
Everyone involved in the study was healthy in 1984 when they enrolled, but when they were followed up in 2010 more than 26,000 had died.
However those who ate the most whole grains, such as porridge, brown rice, corn and quinoa seemed protected from many illnesses and particularly heart disease.

Oats are already the breakfast of choice for many athletes and also for dieters, who find the high fibre levels give them energy for longer.
But scientists found that for each ounce (28g) of whole grains eaten a day – the equivalent of a small bowl of porridge – the risk of all death was reduced by five per cent and heart deaths by 9 per cent.
“These findings further support current dietary guidelines that recommend increasing whole-grain consumption,” said lead author Dr Hongyu Wu of Harvard School of Public Health.
“They also provide promising evidence that suggests a diet enriched with whole grains may confer benefits towards extended life expectancy.”
The findings remained even when allowing for different ages, smoking, body mass index and physical activity.
Whole grains, where the bran and germ remain, contain 25 per cent more protein than refined grains, such as those that make white flour, pasta and white rice.

Previous studies have shown that whole grains can boost bone mineral density, lower blood pressure, promote healthy gut bacteria and reduce the risk of diabetes. One particular fibre found only in oats – called beta-glucan – has been found to lower cholesterol which can help to protect against heart disease. A bioactive compound called avenanthramide is also thought to stop fat forming in the arteries, preventing heart attacks and strokes.
Whole grains are also widely recommended in many dietary guidelines because they contain high levels of nutrients like zinc, copper, manganese, iron and thiamine. They are also believed to boost levels of antioxidants which combat free-radicals.
The new research suggests that if more people switched to whole grains, thousands of lives could be saved each year. Coronary heart disease is Britain’s biggest killer, responsible for around 73,000 deaths in the UK each year. Around 2.3 million people are living with the condition and one in six men and one in 10 women will die.

Pain - I’ve lived with it for so long...

The type of pain i have to live with is very physical. I’ve learnt how to deal with it for five years now, and there are other people who’ve been living with the same kind of pain for considerably longer. A method called Positive Mental Attitude is something which i like to use. it’s helped me to stop smoking, quit sugar, caffeine and meat and is a far more effective way for me of coping with the pain unless you’re talking about prescription drugs. The likes of mild painkillers such as paracetamol or cocodamol are just not strong enough to be of any use. I’ve tried them a lot of times without them having any effect. They’re very addictive too and that’s a fact. I wish i was making it up, but i’m not. Prescription drugs are ok up to a point, but i hate having to have injections. I don’t want to be reliant on them either and the same thing goes for having to rely on something like cannabis. I have enough drugs, like my medication for instance, without worrying about other concoctions.

The pain is something i only feel in the morning, when i wake up. (If i’m lucky) It’s intense though. I know it’s something i’ll always have to go through for as long as i live. Gritting my teeth together seems to help a bit. It certainly makes a difference to when i’m grinding them. I’ve done quite a lot of that, recently. I’ve got so used to feeling pain now, that i tend not to let it worry me. I just remind myself that there are other people going through far worse than me. My legs hurt because i can’t bend them any more than i do. Blood comes out of the multiple scratch marks i have made on my legs and my neck hurts to the point where i can’t turn it. My leg exercises are tough and i don’t look forward to doing them. It’s the nearest i get to keeping myself fit, though. The wheelchair i spend all day in, puts such pressure points on my buttocks, which doesn’t help.

There is the psychological pain of not being able to talk very much in the 5 years since i’ve had the stroke. It’s annoying when you have to keep repeating yourself over and over again. Talking is never easy anyway and something, which you used to take for granted, like walking/eating/drinking becomes a challenge to you. Forget about walking. You just can’t do it anymore. There’s more chance of Leicester City winning some silverware than you getting to walk again. In other words... it aint gonna happen!

i said earlier that i only feel pain in the morning. That isn’t strictly true. I feel it at night too. My legs are always at a forty five degree angle and it’s uncomfortable but i hope that i’ll get some sleep to take away the pain that i’m feeling tonight. I can’t get rid of all the pain that i”m feeling. I know that, but i can make it more bearable. Then they ask me the next day if i want to wear a blue shirt or a yellow one. Does it matter? Really? It’s ok having a positive mental attitude but it gets stretched to the limit sometimes.

The Midbeats - to know them is to love them....

Ben, Jake, Tom and Matt - The Midbeats

I only ever met The Midbeats once, in Leicester in December 2012, but they were a nice bunch of lads and had no airs or graces about them. Matt had a Leicester kind of wit while Jake was the type of zany one that every band has. Tom was somebody i knew quite well as i’d worked with him lots of times and Ben was the newest member of the band who happened to be very quiet and subdued, in a good kind of way.
i was there to take photos of the band, who were promoting and shooting a video for their new cd called ‘This Old Town’. The finished video is featured below;

I was walking in those days, but had the stroke a few months later. it was the last time i took any meaningful photographs.
As you can imagine, i lost touch with the band and always wondered if the track was successful or not. It sounded pretty good to me. I wasn’t there for the scenes they shot in the cafe but i was for everything else. i stood in the background as they did shot after shot to get it perfect. I remember them from the video and remember what a long day it was.
i had no idea that i was to become disabled soon after the shoot and i’m sure the band heard all about it when it happened. It goes to show that you never know what’s around the corner.

Chris Kirkland’s story - battling with depression

"I used to think, 'How can you do that to your family? How can you leave them?' After what I have gone through, I can see how it leads to that road and it is scary."

Chris Kirkland realised the ambitions of thousands of youngsters by playing in the Premier League and representing his country.

But, after leaving Wigan Athletic in 2012, the former Coventry City and Liverpool goalkeeper started to struggle with crippling anxiety.

Five years after his battle with depression began, Kirkland, now 36, tells BBC Sport how it affected him and his family.

'They lost their husband and dad'

Kirkland spent 17 seasons playing professional football, before announcing he was taking time away from the game in August 2016, shortly after joining Bury.

The 6ft 6in goalkeeper is a husband to wife Leeona and father to daughter Lucy.

It had gone too far. The four years, looking back now, I can't really remember a lot about it. It was just... I wasn't there for Lucy or Leeona.

They lost their husband and their dad for four years, which hurts now, really hurts now. That's why I knew I had to do something because I didn't want my daughter growing up without a dad.

Me and Leeona have been together for 18 years, she is a wonderful wife and mother. She is the perfect role model and luckily our daughter has taken after her mum. She is great. I knew I had to do something. The way I was going, I was worried where it was going to lead to.

My wife was a rock. Until a couple of years ago, she didn't really know the extent of it. I was ashamed, not so much ashamed, but your mind takes over yourself. You are not thinking rationally. You are not really thinking. You are just in a dark cloud. Everything just goes by you. You are dismissive of everything. You don't want to go out. You try to stay in.

I even stopped walking the dog, which I have always done. I just felt as though everyone was looking at me when I was out. I just wanted to stay in the house, lock the door, shut the gate and not let anyone in.

I put my phone on silent. I didn't call people back. I didn't reply to texts. Normal life just wasn't there anymore for me. I was in this different place and it is not a nice place to be.

'A vicious circle'

Kirkland, who won his sole England cap in 2006, started his career at Coventry City, before earning a move to Liverpool and then Wigan Athletic, where he played more than 100 times for the Latics.

In 2012, however, the goalkeeper signed for Championship side Sheffield Wednesday. It was after that move Kirkland says his anxiety began to take hold.

I never wanted to leave Wigan. I loved it there, loved the club. It is local to me as well. I started to struggle with anxiety when I was travelling over to Sheffield Wednesday. I have always been a home person. My family lived in Leicester, Leeona's family lived in Scotland. We have always been together.

When I was away from the house I started to panic and started to struggle. Andy Rhodes, the goalkeeping coach at Sheffield Wednesday, if it wasn't for him I would have walked a long time ago. I was playing, which made it a little bit easier because for 90 minutes I managed to put it to one side.

Looking back now, it was hard to do it, but you just do. You get through it. I really started struggling during those three years. In the end, I had to leave. I was going to sign again. I was going to sign for another year. They wanted me to stay. I was in my training kit. I was in the gym. I was ready to go upstairs and start the first day of pre-season and just thought 'I can't do it any more'.

I didn't tell them. I just told them I needed to be closer to home. I think Andy Rhodes knew, but the club were just a little bit unsure. They told me to take my time and to give it a couple of weeks. I just knew it was the right thing to do. I just wanted to get home at that point. I just wanted to be in the house and shut the door.

That is unfortunately the way it went. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to shut myself off. My head was just... I couldn't think straight. I couldn't wait to get to sleep at night to have a little bit of clear mind. But when I woke up in the morning, it all started again. It was just a vicious circle.

'It all escalated - you are not thinking rationally'

Chris Kirkland
Kirkland spent six years at Wigan between 2006 and 2012
The night before I started thinking 'I have to be up at this time, I have to travel over, what if there is traffic, what if this and that, what if something comes up after training and we all have to go somewhere and I can't get home. If I leave after a certain time I will hit the traffic and it could take me how long to get home'.

Then obviously staying over before matches, which I tried to limit as much as I could. But getting home on Fridays, everyone knows the traffic on Fridays is a nightmare. It all escalated. But you are not thinking straight. You are not being rational. Everything is blown up. It sounds silly but everything is blown up out of proportion because you are not thinking rationally.

You just start overthinking everything. Worrying about everything - 'when am I going to get a day off so I can get home'. Sheffield Wednesday were unbelievable. They came up with a routine. Without Andy Rhodes I would have walked - I did initially.

I signed at the back end of the 2012 season, so I had all June before pre-season. I went back pre-season and I was going to walk. I rang Andy and said I had to sort one or two things out at home. I told them I had a family issue. But then I went back and they bent over backwards for me. I am glad they did because I had a fantastic three years there, playing wise, apart from what was going on off the pitch.

'How far was I from where Gary Speed was?'

In November 2011, shortly before Kirkland started his own battle with depression, former Wales midfielder Gary Speed was found dead at his home at the age of 42.

The way I was, I was in a bad, bad place. I started thinking how far was I from where Gary Speed was? How was he feeling?

I never attempted anything, it never got to that. The most I can say is it probably got to the point where I couldn't wait to get to sleep and I didn't want to wake up in the morning because it all started again.

But I don't think that means I wanted to do anything. It just means when I was asleep that was the only time... Getting to sleep was a problem but when I got to sleep you are dozing away. But waking up was not good.

So when did Kirkland begin to realise he had to do something about his anxiety?

It was when we lost a dear friend of the family, Callum. We had been on holiday with them before. We went to America. It was about 2012. The families were close knit.

He had a blood clot on his leg and it all progressed from there. We lost him. I was driving up to York to say a final goodbye and he died when I was on the way up. I never got chance to say goodbye to him, which was hard.

I didn't realise just how good a friend he was until he was gone. But it was too late. Seeing the way his family struggled with losing him made me wake up and realise that I didn't want my daughter and my wife to have to go through that.

'I rang one night crying my eyes out on the bed'

After a spell at Preston, Kirkland joined Bury in June 2016 on a one-year contract. Things came to a head when the club were away in Portugal for pre-season.

I just had to get home. My wife had a hospital appointment. It was nothing serious, I didn't need to be there, but we used it as an excuse to get me home. I just rang one night crying my eyes out on the bed where we were staying saying 'I need to get home'.

The manager Dave Flitcroft and Bury were brilliant. The club were fantastic. They gave me a couple of weeks. I wanted to give it a go so I went back. After the third day, I have said it, we were in a little five-a-side and I just wasn't there. I wasn't bothered.

I didn't even try, I was that low. I went in and said I need a break, I need to get away. I need help.

'I can see light now'

That is when I met Simon Barker at the PFA and he put me in touch with Micky Bennett, the PFA's head of player welfare, and it all started from there. Now things are good. It is still an ongoing process but I can see light now.

You have got to speak, you have got to talk. Whether it is to the PFA or someone at your club. We are here to try and get more people into clubs to help players. But you have to talk. There are a lot of players, that is why we are doing it.

I am sure there is a lot we don't know about as well. It is not just sportspeople, it is people in general. You have got to talk because we have seen what can happen unfortunately, with people taking their own lives. I have seen how it leads to that.

Before, 10 or 15 years ago, I used to think 'how can you do that to your family? How can you leave them?' After what I have gone through, I can see how it leads to that road and it is scary.

'Once I started talking things seemed a lot clearer'

It's ok to talk, don't be ashamed, don't be embarrassed. You'll always get some people who mock you but those people are cowards and should be ashamed of themselves. Make sure you talk. Once I started talking things seemed a lot clearer and there are people there who will help you.

I think football realised they have a massive problem on their hands. Enough wasn't being done before, no. The PFA have admitted that. But now they are putting measures in place to make sure the help is there for players. They know they have a big, big problem in the game and they're doing their best now to sort it out.

Having seen the positive reaction Kirkland has had to his own story, does he wish he had spoken out sooner?

Absolutely, yes.

But you are not thinking straight, your mind is not your own. It needed that something to click in. But until it does click in, you are not functioning right at all. You are not living.