The only way is down

I get bad dreams every night. For instance, i fall off the top of very tall buildings and i shake uncontrollably at the very thought of it. My life is out of control, much like my own existance. I try not to fall but there is nothing to hold on to.

My own father has let me down and i didn’t see that coming. I thought i could always rely on him, but how wrong was i? Jonny will be fatherless and Mandy, who never doubted me for a minute, will be left to struggle all alone.

My life was one i expected would be gone too soon but if only i hadn’t met Mandy maybe things would’ve been better for the better. Maybe i would have dreamed about something else.

That ship sailed a long time ago

It won’t be long now before the family unit is ripped apart. All of the effort it takes to keep it together will disappear and then each member will say “if only we’d done such and such”. The cracks have started to appear for a long time now and we’ve been papering over them in a futile effort tthat they wil all all go away. But they won’t go. The damage was done a long time ago and can’t be sorted out. No matter how hard you try.

Unfortunately, as most people will.discover, they don’t get a second chance. That ship sailed a long time ago.

Reaching rock bottom

In Febuary 2013 i had the stroke which took away my ability to walk and my ability to talk. Nothing else can be done to me to make me feel as worthless as i now feel though. I’ve reached rock bottom.
Life could, and should, have been a lot better than this but everything has been stripped away from me and i have nothing left that they could possibly want.

one day i will laugh at this and wonder how i ever coped. From 2013 till now is a long time away. Anything can, and will, happen in that time. All we have to do is believe in God and leave the rest to Him.

When your best isn’t good enough

My wife tells me not to keep worrying. It’s hard. I have a memory loss problem which is the result of a stroke i had and it gives me plenty of reason to worry. How much worse can it get? I sit in the lounge here and take a look over my left shoulder at the people i will become in the next couple of years and it frightens me to death. I’m already badly handicapped and to think i’ll get worse just horrifies me. My future looks very bleak. There’s nothing i can do about it.

It’s only when you’ve made your mistakes that you realise what a failure you are and how you keep on letting everybody down.
i’ve tried but my best isn’t good enough.

The golden gun

When i started crying over nothing i knew i was in trouble. My decision-making is wrong too. Since i’ve become disabled i spend hours thinking negatively. I can’t help it. It’s just the way i am. It’s not something i‘m paticularly proud of. I have a lot on my hands these days. I always get asked why i’m crying. The answer is i don’t know. There is never a reason. It’s not a good thing to ask why. If you’re a carer just accept it. It’s been with me since i was a youngster and i know it will never go away.

if i was a teenager and had a gun i wouldn’t hesitate to use it on myself. There are other people who feel like me, i’m sure there are. I remember when i first felt like that. It was a long time ago. I wouldn’t have been disabled in those days. I wouldn’t have any responsibilities either.

Being disabled changes everything forever

t’m feeling as low as i ever have done. I owe it to Mandy to push on to the end (whenever that will be) and see what happens.

She would do the same for me. I cry and cry but i don’t know why. I’ve cried at the doctor’s and i’ve cried in the street. I really can’t help myself. Life is so sad. Or so it seems. I get a feeling that it’s just not worth it to carry on. And it’s so lonely.

crying is not something i normally do but being disabled has changed everything forever. For instance, i’ve never had an anxiety complex before. Not one as serious as those. They affect you and leave you unable to think straight. You don’t get the blinding headaches if you forget about them. But there are other things you can come across when you’re disabled. Your whole body can face a system shutdown and you can’t explain it. Nobody can understand why you don’t respond to anything they say to you. You need the proper antibiotics and then pray that you’re going to be okay.

i’m learning what it’s like to be disabled. It’s not easy and it’s not nice. You lose your memory. People ask you to repeat yourself even though you find it hard to talk and express yourself. One day it will all be over but it isn’t how i imagined it would be. I wish i knew how it would’ve turned out so i could have done something about it. I suppose we all have regrets.

Climbing mountains....

I’ve climbed quite a few in my time but nothing compares to the ones i climb because of the staff that work here. They want you to fail. I can’t see what’s wrong with eating a fish finger but maybe there’s something they’re not telling me. The list of things i can’t eat gets longer and longer.
The time isn’t right because Mandy is still alive but one day i will drink unthickened water and end it all. I’ve had enough of the stupidity about what i have to eat.

There are lots of things that i could describe as like climbing a mountain. Losing my speech is one and not being able to walk is another. Even before i had the stroke i was a freak. And i don’t know why. I’ve had enough.

Peace and quiet

Where i live peace and quiet is something you just don’t get. Even in your own room the noise you face is too much to put up with.

When will they realise that too much noise is a health hazard? I feel like screaming when nobody respects you enough that they’re willing to play music so loud that you can hear it and nothing else. There is just too much noise in my life whether it’s people shouting, or the sound of hoovers, or rock and rock and roll. It all gets too much to listen to.

i cherish the sound of silence. We don’t get much of it. It’s all music that you can hear when the cleaners have gone home.

Passing it on to the next generation

My dad doesn’t like my son very much. Who can blame him? My son was the most hated boy on the planet at one time. Definitely the angriest. It was during his teenage years that he became a problem.

I blame mental health for doing it to him. He inherited it from me. I wish i’d never been born.
All the things i pretended that didn’t exist were coming back to haunt me.

Now that my life is coming to an end i’m sorry that Mandy and Jon ever knew me. I met Mandy when i was 30 and trying not to meet anyone. I wanted to live my life as a hermit to make sure that nobody else went through what i did. Everyday i wanted to die. I even thought of ways to do it. Being dead was all i dresmed about. I didn’t want anyone else to get my depression.