Choking to death

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This is surely the end of the road for me. I cannot see anything other than death happening from here onwards. It’s been a long journey for me but i know when i’m beaten. First, they give me this body, then depression, then they gave me a stroke. Now they have given me vertigo. I can’t go on, even though i want to. I realise how difficult it is to have to deal with vertigo. Every decision i take has to be precise and calculated.

i don’t fear death. Just the opposite. It will rid me of this terrible disability. I just worry about Mandy and how she will cope. Every reader should take out life insurance. You never know what will happen so it’s best to prepsre yourself for every eventuality. If only someone had told me what was going to happen.
Please don’t let anyone have anything small to eat as they will choke to deatth on it. That is the opinion of an expert- me.

We never saw that coming

That was a blast. We never saw that coming. Me, Steve and Dave set off with different aspirations and whether we’ll meet them or not remains to be seen. There are three things i can say about myself that i never expected to happen. 1) i’m disabled 2) i have a beard 3) i’m married. Having a beard is really cool. Getting a beard is because i’m disabled. The marriage thing is because i’m.disabled as well. I forgot to say that i have vertigo as well. It’s a terrible condition that leaves you unable to do anything. A bit like like being disabled. So there we have it. Having a beard is something that I never thought would happen. I blame.the vertigo on the trogg who has played her music at full blast for fucking months on end. .

Resolutions

It’s January 2nd and it’s been nearly six years since i became disabled. I still remember it as though it was September. It probably will be very soon.
Funny thing is that although i’ve bought hundreds of shirts i haven’t got any left. Did i say funny? i only wish it was. I’ve learnt all there is to know about disability. It sucks. It makes you think though. There i was just hating myself, then i had depression. Then i had a stroke and i couldn’t walk. Give me strength. If God exists he must really hate me. More than i hate myself.

I just hope that the next time around the disabled are given as much respect in society as they are at the moment. If they are then my journey won’t have been a wasted one.

It’s an ordinary day

When you can’t walk and you can’t talk you have no choice but to live the kind of existance that i’ve been living for the past six years. People will say that i CAN talk but that’s a debatable point. I have to repeat myself sometimes it’s up to fourteen times before i’m fully understood! Remind me again that i can talk. It’s so frustrating and it really gets on my nerves. There are lots of things that do, though. Everyday i have to battle so that people know what i’m saying and it’s getting harder to do so. I have bought a machine that helps out and I really enjoy making it swear.

Every day starts at quarter past seven for me. I drink a large beaker of thickened water at 8am.it has to be thickened or else i die. If the water is too thin it goes staight into my lungs and i drown. I can’t be saved, unfortunately. At some point in the day i suffer from depression and i cry. People ask me why and i tell them i don’t know.and i don’t. Why do people always assume there’s a reason. There isn’t and I just wish i was left well alone. It’s an ordinary day for me.

Dads

Mandy gets all soppy when she talks about her dad. You can understand that i suppose, but not all dads are the same. Her dad must have thought that she was something really special to treat her the way he did. He died before i knew him, which is a shame. My own dad is alive. I.wonder how he’d react if i really needed him to do me a favour. It just goes to show that some dads will move heaven and earth for their kids and some dads won’t.

Dads aren’t always around when we need them. Mandy misses her dad but no matter how much she loves him - and she does - he won’t be coming back. It makes me think if i’ll be the same. Of course i will. We all miss somebody when they go.

When you thought you’d done enough...

This is a picture of Tyson Fury. Like me, he suffers from mental health problems. Getting himself fit for this fight has been all he needed to stop wanting to kill himself. Only people who have mental health issues will know what that feels like. Mental Health can make you act rather odd at times, and you don’t always care what anyone thinks of you when that happens.

When it first happened to me i didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know what it was called and i thought i was the only only one who had it. I don’t know how many people have it but it’s a lot. Fury was denied the comeback of all-time when the judges for his fight ruled that it was a draw. It was a very controversial points decision and is probably the reason why most fighters don’t like to fight in the United States.

Fury’s story is quite remarkable. He lost 10 stone to get himself fit to face the WBC champion, Deontay Wilder. If he can do it, it can be done, is the positive message it sends out.

The only way is down

I get bad dreams every night. For instance, i fall off the top of very tall buildings and i shake uncontrollably at the very thought of it. My life is out of control, much like my own existance. I try not to fall but there is nothing to hold on to.

My own father has let me down and i didn’t see that coming. I thought i could always rely on him, but how wrong was i? Jonny will be fatherless and Mandy, who never doubted me for a minute, will be left to struggle all alone.

My life was one i expected would be gone too soon but if only i hadn’t met Mandy maybe things would’ve been better for the better. Maybe i would have dreamed about something else.

That ship sailed a long time ago

It won’t be long now before the family unit is ripped apart. All of the effort it takes to keep it together will disappear and then each member will say “if only we’d done such and such”. The cracks have started to appear for a long time now and we’ve been papering over them in a futile effort tthat they wil all all go away. But they won’t go. The damage was done a long time ago and can’t be sorted out. No matter how hard you try.

Unfortunately, as most people will.discover, they don’t get a second chance. That ship sailed a long time ago.

Reaching rock bottom

In Febuary 2013 i had the stroke which took away my ability to walk and my ability to talk. Nothing else can be done to me to make me feel as worthless as i now feel though. I’ve reached rock bottom.
Life could, and should, have been a lot better than this but everything has been stripped away from me and i have nothing left that they could possibly want.

one day i will laugh at this and wonder how i ever coped. From 2013 till now is a long time away. Anything can, and will, happen in that time. All we have to do is believe in God and leave the rest to Him.

When your best isn’t good enough

My wife tells me not to keep worrying. It’s hard. I have a memory loss problem which is the result of a stroke i had and it gives me plenty of reason to worry. How much worse can it get? I sit in the lounge here and take a look over my left shoulder at the people i will become in the next couple of years and it frightens me to death. I’m already badly handicapped and to think i’ll get worse just horrifies me. My future looks very bleak. There’s nothing i can do about it.

It’s only when you’ve made your mistakes that you realise what a failure you are and how you keep on letting everybody down.
i’ve tried but my best isn’t good enough.

The golden gun

When i started crying over nothing i knew i was in trouble. My decision-making is wrong too. Since i’ve become disabled i spend hours thinking negatively. I can’t help it. It’s just the way i am. It’s not something i‘m paticularly proud of. I have a lot on my hands these days. I always get asked why i’m crying. The answer is i don’t know. There is never a reason. It’s not a good thing to ask why. If you’re a carer just accept it. It’s been with me since i was a youngster and i know it will never go away.

if i was a teenager and had a gun i wouldn’t hesitate to use it on myself. There are other people who feel like me, i’m sure there are. I remember when i first felt like that. It was a long time ago. I wouldn’t have been disabled in those days. I wouldn’t have any responsibilities either.