Life and death

I don’t know a lot of things and my memory has seen better times.  We can’t know everything that is going to happen, but everything does for a reason.  Everyone mourns for somebody who has just died but who’s to say that we should?  It’s quite possible an error of judgment has been made on our part. Nobody knows for sure.

Making an assumption is something people are good at doing. Perfection is not guaranteed with being human. Mistakes are made and should be expected.  Life has not been explained and there’re a lot of things that need to be. Our understanding of what is successful and what isn’t, has relied on guesswork.

Maybe the knowledge isn’t something we can’t handle. For nearly 2000 years the secrets of life and death  have been kept from us. Are we lucky to be alive? personally, I don’t think so. Others may think differently.  Death has been made for us to think that it’s an evil waiting to happen. It comes to all of us sooner or later.

Nothing can deny stopping the outcome of what awaits us but how bad do we think it will be? I’m looking forward to it because it’ll be a new experience for me. At least I think it will be. There’s always the possibility that i’ve been here before.

When you’re disabled you go on an incredible journey. You become more resilient than you already are. Don’t ever be surprised by anything that happens to you. When life gets as bad as it can possibly be, there are a couple of surprises that are waiting for you. Things happen for a reason. It isn’t always clear what that is. You won’t be disappointed though. It just takes belief in what it is that you want.

Although it may be tough now, it won’t always be like this. You just have to hang on. I’m not a believer in many things but I believe in this.  I don’t worship God but at the same time I can’t completely rule Him out because a lot of people believe in things that I know nothing about.

When I was ‘normal’ I wish i’d learnt to study faiths because there are so many. Some of them have to be meaningful. Christianity leaves more questions than answers. Could Christ really walk on water?  I have trouble in believing that he could. A lot of other things, such as values within the Christian faith are very good. I try to adopt them for myself.

I don’t eat bread or sugar and don’t drink milk. I’m a vegan and think that dairy products are bad for you. Eating natural foods and steering clear of processed food is also something that I practice. It’s hard work but sticking to it pays off in the end. It took me becoming disabled to get a diet that will help me in the long term.

I’m 59 and disabled. I don’t care what happens to me. I’ve been through a lot. If you say, ‘well so have I’, i’ll ask if you’re disabled like me. If you aren’t, then the discussion will end there and then. Being disabled has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I had a dream last night that I had cancer and was going to die.

I wasn’t worried at all.  I thought i’d done my best and would take it as i’ve taken everything else in life. A bit of pain never hurts me and a lot of it will soon go away. Bargain!  Disability is as bad as that. Dying doesn’t really bother me because my belief lets me know that better times are ahead.
‘What do you want to eat?’ said a carer.


 ‘Mashed potato and carrots’, I replied ‘mushy peas and fish fingers’. ‘Okay that’s for lunch’ she said. ‘That’s for every meal this week’ I replied. She looked at me as if she didn’t think I’d mean it. i did. Being disabled means you can put up with anything. Even certain death.

I’m not being brave. Who knows what that is? Honesty rules my life. Somebody once said to me: ‘You’re lucky to be alive’ I looked at them up and down and said ‘are you fucking serious?’

I have a problem realising what is happening to me at any given time. If it is harmful, I only think of the good things that can occur. The trouble is that I should always be aware and i’m not. My girlfriend nearly got me sent to prison. I’m innocent of the assault they charged me with but I ignored the judges and hoped for the best.  

My mum slept with the next-door neighbour. That’s two women who’ve let me down when I needed them most. Two women who have lost my trust and they are two people who I will never feel a  special bond with again. In the past I did.

You may think that’s a harsh way to be. It is. There comes a point when you expect decent behaviour from those who are nearest to you. It’s not a lot to ask for.

Disabled

Being disabled

I never thought I’d be disabled. It never entered my head. I was normal and just like most 53-year olds are. As a disabled person I experienced personal tragedy. It’s something that disabled people face each day of their lives. It happens every day and is horrifying. You want to kill yourself rather than face a moment of what comes. Only a brave person could ever go through the challenges that exist and every day too.

Today is my birthday

Waking up like Charlie Drake

There were two books that i started to read today. They were so crap that i didn’t bother with them. So i looked online for inspiration. “Fuck it” i thought “i can do better than this” i’m just bored of looking at the four walls of my room and not knowing what lies ahead. Every disabled person must feel like that. Even if you’re able-bodied you wonder what’s around the next corner. What is life going to throw at me? I always seem to manage but i wonder if i can’t.

Being disabled these last six years has been an uphill battle of going to hospital after hospital. I’m amazed at myself for getting through it all and just putting it down to experience. I never thought this would happen to me but in the history of life there have been people who have put up with far worse than i have and they don’t moan about it. Besides, you should think how lucky you are to be alive. Except i don’t. A part of me wants to cry about it, while the rest of me just wants to be able to walk.

Disability has made me see things differently. I feel like Scrooge. Please send me back. There are things i need to do first. I go to bed really early and get up really late. That’s doesn’t happen very often.
I’m in the middle of a dream and that doesn’t happen very often either. I wake up and suddenly it hits me - i’m disabled and this is how it is. I started out as Sean Connery but finished as Charlie Drake and waking up is so disappointing, like it normally is.

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Hi Julia

Hi Julia, unfortunately i’ve been ‘anonomized’ by google as part of their “spring clean”. I haven’t ignored you on purpose. You can read all about the pring clean they’re doing by reading all about it on blogger buzz. I’ve had worse setbacks than this.

Being disabled

I’ve had 52 years as a ‘normal’ person and 6 as someone who is disabled. Being like this has taught me so much about life. For instance, i used to take everything for granted. Now, i don’t. I read books and only.drink water. I don’t smoke because i can’t. There are lots of ways my life has changed now. but i don’t see myself as a social pariah. Just the opposite. I keep asking Shaun Alan Naylor to get me some cocaine from his dealer. Apparently he doesn’t do drugs even though he walks like he does. He tells me he isn’t gay too. He just does a good impression of someone who is. I have changed my name to Shaun Alan taylor because i know it winds him up to for me to be called that.

Old aged blogger

At the residential home i live at there are 17 people who live here.
in some ways i’m lucky in that i there wasn’t disabled until later in life.
Everybody here has a brain injury. I like to think i’m the most sane though.
This is a small section of society that if you multiply by a thousand times you’d begin to see how diverse disability is.
19% of the population of Britain is actually disabled.

I’m the type of disabled person who needs to be looked after.
it doesn’t matter how many books i read and that i write a blog.
i will be like this until i die.

What can possibly go wrong?

I think i have munchenhausen’s syndrome.it certainly feels like it to me. I spent some time reading up about it. I have a serious brain injury and even though a situation seems real it is not, I can say, for once in my life, that i’m glad to be a nut job. I’m sorry if you were misled in any way. I can assure you that that wasn’t the intention. I blame it on the brain injury i have.

The nightmare that i liken my life to carries on. I think it will be derailed at some point.
i had something important to say to the guy who was helping me and he said ‘eh?’ I repeated myself and he still said ‘eh?’ so i raised my voice and he said ‘there’s no need to shout’. Then he got someone else. Then someone else. I said ‘The bag isn’t draining properly.’ I still don’t kxow if is so i cough out as loud as i can. The trouble is that they have a vacuum cleaner right outside the door and can’t hear me. I’m going to die! I tell you.

Choking to death

...

This is surely the end of the road for me. I cannot see anything other than death happening from here onwards. It’s been a long journey for me but i know when i’m beaten. First, they give me this body, then depression, then they gave me a stroke. Now they have given me vertigo. I can’t go on, even though i want to. I realise how difficult it is to have to deal with vertigo. Every decision i take has to be precise and calculated.

i don’t fear death. Just the opposite. It will rid me of this terrible disability. I just worry about Mandy and how she will cope. Every reader should take out life insurance. You never know what will happen so it’s best to prepsre yourself for every eventuality. If only someone had told me what was going to happen.
Please don’t let anyone have anything small to eat as they will choke to deatth on it. That is the opinion of an expert- me.

We never saw that coming

That was a blast. We never saw that coming. Me, Steve and Dave set off with different aspirations and whether we’ll meet them or not remains to be seen. There are three things i can say about myself that i never expected to happen. 1) i’m disabled 2) i have a beard 3) i’m married. Having a beard is really cool. Getting a beard is because i’m disabled. The marriage thing is because i’m.disabled as well. I forgot to say that i have vertigo as well. It’s a terrible condition that leaves you unable to do anything. A bit like like being disabled. So there we have it. Having a beard is something that I never thought would happen. I blame.the vertigo on the trogg who has played her music at full blast for fucking months on end. .

Resolutions

It’s January 2nd and it’s been nearly six years since i became disabled. I still remember it as though it was September. It probably will be very soon.
Funny thing is that although i’ve bought hundreds of shirts i haven’t got any left. Did i say funny? i only wish it was. I’ve learnt all there is to know about disability. It sucks. It makes you think though. There i was just hating myself, then i had depression. Then i had a stroke and i couldn’t walk. Give me strength. If God exists he must really hate me. More than i hate myself.

I just hope that the next time around the disabled are given as much respect in society as they are at the moment. If they are then my journey won’t have been a wasted one.

It’s an ordinary day

When you can’t walk and you can’t talk you have no choice but to live the kind of existance that i’ve been living for the past six years. People will say that i CAN talk but that’s a debatable point. I have to repeat myself sometimes it’s up to fourteen times before i’m fully understood! Remind me again that i can talk. It’s so frustrating and it really gets on my nerves. There are lots of things that do, though. Everyday i have to battle so that people know what i’m saying and it’s getting harder to do so. I have bought a machine that helps out and I really enjoy making it swear.

Every day starts at quarter past seven for me. I drink a large beaker of thickened water at 8am.it has to be thickened or else i die. If the water is too thin it goes staight into my lungs and i drown. I can’t be saved, unfortunately. At some point in the day i suffer from depression and i cry. People ask me why and i tell them i don’t know.and i don’t. Why do people always assume there’s a reason. There isn’t and I just wish i was left well alone. It’s an ordinary day for me.

Dads

Mandy gets all soppy when she talks about her dad. You can understand that i suppose, but not all dads are the same. Her dad must have thought that she was something really special to treat her the way he did. He died before i knew him, which is a shame. My own dad is alive. I.wonder how he’d react if i really needed him to do me a favour. It just goes to show that some dads will move heaven and earth for their kids and some dads won’t.

Dads aren’t always around when we need them. Mandy misses her dad but no matter how much she loves him - and she does - he won’t be coming back. It makes me think if i’ll be the same. Of course i will. We all miss somebody when they go.

When you thought you’d done enough...

This is a picture of Tyson Fury. Like me, he suffers from mental health problems. Getting himself fit for this fight has been all he needed to stop wanting to kill himself. Only people who have mental health issues will know what that feels like. Mental Health can make you act rather odd at times, and you don’t always care what anyone thinks of you when that happens.

When it first happened to me i didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know what it was called and i thought i was the only only one who had it. I don’t know how many people have it but it’s a lot. Fury was denied the comeback of all-time when the judges for his fight ruled that it was a draw. It was a very controversial points decision and is probably the reason why most fighters don’t like to fight in the United States.

Fury’s story is quite remarkable. He lost 10 stone to get himself fit to face the WBC champion, Deontay Wilder. If he can do it, it can be done, is the positive message it sends out.

The only way is down

I get bad dreams every night. For instance, i fall off the top of very tall buildings and i shake uncontrollably at the very thought of it. My life is out of control, much like my own existance. I try not to fall but there is nothing to hold on to.

My own father has let me down and i didn’t see that coming. I thought i could always rely on him, but how wrong was i? Jonny will be fatherless and Mandy, who never doubted me for a minute, will be left to struggle all alone.

My life was one i expected would be gone too soon but if only i hadn’t met Mandy maybe things would’ve been better for the better. Maybe i would have dreamed about something else.

That ship sailed a long time ago

It won’t be long now before the family unit is ripped apart. All of the effort it takes to keep it together will disappear and then each member will say “if only we’d done such and such”. The cracks have started to appear for a long time now and we’ve been papering over them in a futile effort tthat they wil all all go away. But they won’t go. The damage was done a long time ago and can’t be sorted out. No matter how hard you try.

Unfortunately, as most people will.discover, they don’t get a second chance. That ship sailed a long time ago.

Reaching rock bottom

In Febuary 2013 i had the stroke which took away my ability to walk and my ability to talk. Nothing else can be done to me to make me feel as worthless as i now feel though. I’ve reached rock bottom.
Life could, and should, have been a lot better than this but everything has been stripped away from me and i have nothing left that they could possibly want.

one day i will laugh at this and wonder how i ever coped. From 2013 till now is a long time away. Anything can, and will, happen in that time. All we have to do is believe in God and leave the rest to Him.